I started this post back in March, but couldn’t bring myself to finish it. But I think I can now.
Maybe this is the normal progression of grief, and maybe things are more amplified for me because I am pregnant and hormonal, maybe it’s my impending birthday. Maybe I just miss my Mom, and don’t need a specific reason.
Watching and cataloging Lauren’s life and milestones and thinking about the new baby growing inside of me (who I have since given birth to!) has got me thinking a lot about motherhood — what it means to be a mother. I wonder if my kids will appreciate my insane documentation of their lives, or if they will be like I was when Mom handed me my baby book and school records: flippant and a little put-off at having one more thing to store. I wish I had taken the time to look through those things with my Mom before she passed. I wish I had thanked her for all the love and care that she put into them, and me.
Thinking about these things has helped me to narrow down part of what I am missing so much about my Mom. I feel so lonely without her sometimes, and it’s not because I don’t have enough loving people to turn to, or talk to. But our Mothers fill a special role – they ARE the catalogers of our lives. Moms care about every little detail of our existence, they want to know and they remember all about us. I’ve lost the keeper of my details.
And sometimes when I look at Lauren, it takes my breath away because in certain moments she reminds me of Mom so much it hurts. I think it’s those bright blue eyes, full of mischief. Just like Mom. Lauren and Mom would have been two peas in a crazy little pod, I think. It kills me that Mom never even got to see Danielle. But I think I will be seeing lots of her in my girls, and I will try to show them as much of Mom as I can by continuing our silly traditions (chocolate chip pancakes on Saturday mornings, for one!), and telling them all about their wild Granny.
I will be the keeper of their details, and Mom’s.
Be better than good to your Mommas,
Becki
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
way to make me CRY! still can’t believe your mom is gone. she was a one-of-a-king awesome lady. Lauren totally reminds me of her…looks, attitude, everything. i think you’ll do a great job of carrying on the crazy traditions of your mom. your off to a dynamite start. you’re totally right about mom being the keepers of our details. all the little milestones of life you think are so insignificant when you’re young, mom’s watch and document so that one day, when you realize how important it is to remember those little moments, you can. 🙂
Thanks, Laura! You need to move closer so we can make some new traditions, too. Like weekends with Crazy Auntie Laura! 😉
Oh Becky, that was a beautiful post, a lovely tribute to your Mom. The picture of your three generations is precious. I truly love that you wrote *Mom’s are the catalogues of our life* So true, love that statement. All *the moments* become the memories that comfort, console, remind and forever keep loved ones in our hearts.
Thank you, Paula. 🙂
Becki…this is beautiful! I know exactly how you feel. I miss my mom, too. And I hate that she doesn’t get to see her grandchildren grow up. I can’t tell you the number of times when I’ve tried to remember something about a family story or my childhood…and there’s no one to remember because she’s gone.
When she was sick, and I had just had a baby, a friend of mine gave her a Grandmother’s Journal. I just pulled it out the other day….it was too painful to see for years. She filled the whole thing out….pictures, memories…it’s wonderful. I’m so grateful for it and so happy my son will have it someday.
Sending you an online hug. 🙂
Thank you, Bridget! I bet that journal is an absolute treasure – I wish that I had something like that to give the girls. My Mom was a one of a kind, for sure…her story would have been a good read. 😉
way to make me boohoo… i know you have been through a lot and i know you miss her. nothing will ever fill that void. stay strong. xoxo
Becki,
You are so correct in the words that you chose for one of the most awesome women I have ever known. I miss her so much and feel her presence around me often. I see her smile when I close my eyes and hear her laugh at exactly the right time when I need her. I am touched with your journal and what a wonderful mother you have become. Ruth(Mom) would be so proud of you. Continue to share your many memories with your girls…they will cherish them….as I do!
Love you, Donna lambert
Oh, what a beautiful photo!
Great Picture. Hugs to you and your girls. you make me smile.
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